Re-establishing Yourself is Hard

If you returned to the Podcast a few months ago when I "re-launched" so-to-speak, you may have been excited for weekly episodes of FritzCast. After kicking off an interview episode with Dr. Travis Corcoran, and following up with an episode about my recent car troubles (which by the way, update: I STILL don't have the Soul back), I have entered a slump. 

The slump is completely understandable. My wife is closing out what has been a rough-waters pregnancy; my work commute increased from a year ago and I work extra; I'm trying to devote time to strengthening my relationship with my wife, building the relationship with my daughter who is soon turning 3, and balancing all of that knowing that another baby in the mix will bring a new horizon that will be an even more chaotic balancing act. 

I came to a point about 2 weeks ago where I was soul-searching over this subject, and I wondered if I lost a passion for Podcasting. I have been running my show, with what I feel is good success, all on my own with no advertising, no professional producing, and was able to expand from just audio to YouTube/video production. 

Clearly, I have a passion for it. So then I searched over my politics. I have always been outspoken on the fact that I like neither Democrats or Republicans, and I found solace in Libertarianism, and poured my efforts into promoting the Libertarian Party. I quickly found that even the Libertarian Party was full of infighting, lack of vision and direction, and more importantly (and not a negative per-se), a wide variety of increasingly different beliefs and outlooks of how the world should work. 

Now, for years of my life, I poured extreme effort into trying to spark inspiration in myself when it came to church, spirituality and my religious beliefs. I had such fear from significant life events. I lost my Father when I was merely 4 years old--I experienced armed robbery shortly thereafter--my 12 year old sister was diagnosed with cancer, and not some 4 months later, she lost that battle. Life was far from comfortable. My spirituality was virtually non-existent, and I was desperate for some conviction in my beliefs and reassurance. 

But nothing I did worked: I prayed, but I didn't get answers; I read scriptures but gained no knowledge or reassurance; I put up a façade of what I thought others expected to see in me, desperately hoping that one day it would all be affirmed in some profound spiritual event that would calm my fears and solidify my faith. All of that had supremely negative effects on me, and the burden of continuing in that became unbearable by the time I was turning 18. 

I had to worry and wonder, for how often I have done that in my life, about how often habit overtakes my genuine, authentic self in a bid to please others. Did I get into Libertarian Politics to follow and stoke a crowd of Libertarians and gain acceptance? Or did I get into Libertarian Politics to go off the beaten path? Or did I get into Libertarian Politics because its a broad philosophy where you can define yourself, and you don't worry about who is going to say "You're not a real Libertarian"? 

I have found that often times I battle my worry about being appealing to others--whether its to fit in, gain acceptance, or merely give them a positive view of me. It is not being genuine, it is not being authentic, and it isn't exercising my mind, thoughts, feelings and logic. I should never be worrying "what are people going to think of..." when it comes to me discussing this worldview. 

And thus, some podcasting delays that naturally are understandable just from there not being enough hours in a day or days in a week, but on another layer, I have been battling too often with notions of "is this the 'right' libertarian view or not"? 

In the coming months, you will notice more and more that I reiterate the facts I have always stated from the start of my show: I am, first and foremost, independent. I am beholden to literally no group, no party, and no one philosophy. I am libertarian-leaning, which is to say I support limiting government power and influence. I am spiritually searching, meaning I am not religious nor am I atheist, nor do I condone or condemn them. These are things that are who I am, and I don't need to worry about appeasing anybody. 

But make no mistake about it...

Redefining and re-establishing myself is hard. 

More FritzCast coming soon!